February 11th 2000

Dear Dad,

What's it like up there in heaven? Life down here just isn't the same without you. I think you were taken away from us way too early and I am still trying to understand WHY. I guess God has a plan for everyone and a reason that this happened, and I am trying to realize that I can't change it, no matter what I do. Every day I think about something I could have done different so that this horrible accident wouldn't have taken place. We miss you Dad.

I was so devastated when I found out what happened, I have so many emotions going through me at the same time. Depression and anger are the ones that overtake me the most. Some days I'll start out in a good mood then I'll be angry at the world for not stopping Binder from driving drunk, then I'll be depressed because you are gone and that monster is still walking the earth. Some days I feel so empty that it is hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. I'll sit at the dinner table hoping that some day you will come walking through the door and have dinner with us. We miss you Dad.

I wanted to fill you in on all of the things that you've missed since you've been gone. Steve and I both graduated, something that we really wish you could've been to. You would've been so proud of Steve for completing high school and just as proud of me when I finished college. Steve and I especially miss your strong caring hugs when we would do something well. Steve is working full-time until he decides what he wants to do . I got a job at Prudential out in Marlton, as a financial planner. You always told me to use my education for something worthwhile and I think you would be happy with what I'm doing with my degree. Most of all you miss the day to day goings on in the house, meals, problems, good times, and bad times. You were always there to fix things when they broke, and you had some ingenious way to fix it. We miss you Dad.

Mom just isn't the same without you, she seems so lonely, I worry that she might never be able to handle all of this. I am very mad at God for the things He has put mom through. He has taken away almost her entire family including her husband, and I will never understand what she did to deserve it. She has worked so hard her entire life and I know all she wanted was to be happy. I know that you made each other happy and I'm sure you miss her just as much as she misses you. We miss you Dad.

Dad I especially want to take some time and thank you for all that you have given to me. You have taught me the meaning of respect, love, caring, patience, and many other qualities that I attribute to you and your way of life. One thing that I always think about when I think about this area is that in your last years on the earth you were working so hard for your family. I remember you falling asleep while watching TV you were so tired. You taught me by way of example and now I try to do things the way I think you would want me to do them. All those times you could have said, "I'm too busy" or "too tired," but you didn't, you would find that energy somewhere and try to help me out as much as you could. Another thing you have taught me is that there is more than one way to get things done, and I use this every day in the world to get as much accomplished in the shortest time possible. We miss you Dad.

I know that mom probably doesn't want to hear about this, but I'm going to miss the motorcycle rides we used to take together. Whether it was a thirty minute spin or a four hour adventure, I always had fun exploring new areas of the country with you. Sometimes I think that you died doing something that you loved to do, and I wish I could have been there with you when it happened so that my life wouldn't be as painful. I am still contemplating whether or not I am going to continue to ride or not. I have been on a couple of rides with Bruce, but it is just not the same with you gone. This summer I think I am going to put together a motorcycle ride in your memory. We miss you Dad.

The world is a different color without you in it Dad, I used to be positive and understanding of things, but now I am bitter and I have a negative attitude about things. Some day I hope to get over your death, but I don't know that I will ever be completely healed of what happened. There will always be an emptiness that will never get filled as long as you're gone. That emptiness casts a shadow on the rest of my world that is near impossible to lift away. We miss you Dad.

You always told me never to drink and drive and I can honestly tell you that I never have and I never will. It is hard for me to even think about drinking at all. I will get the urge to drink once in a while, then I'll start and I can barely finish a couple of drinks without feeling bad about what I am doing. The severity of what happened to you has changed my life forever and I have been trying to change my bad habits and become a better person. We miss you Dad.

I remember how you never like the government and all its rules. I kind of feel the same way. Do you know that this guy will probably only serve four years for what he did to you, I am so disappointed in this country for allowing things like this to happen. What kind of country do we live in where you can kill another human being and only get a slap on the wrist. The lawyer said that the guy is sorry, but sorry doesn't bring you back. If I were in charge, I would give this guy life in prison for what he did. They say it wasn't premeditated, but I can argue that drinking then getting into a motor vehicle is wanting to cause the destruction of another person's life and family. I don't think that the justice system is doing its job in general. I don't think you would be happy the way the system looks at such a serious crime and passes it off as the alcohol's fault. We miss you Dad.

I wish there was some way I could have said I love you before you passed away. The fact that I was away at college when this happened makes it hard for me to accept the fact that you are gone. I am glad that I talked to you briefly on the phone the week before, I can still remember what we talked about that night. I will keep all the wonderful things about you inside me so that you will live forever through the things I do. We miss you Dad.

The future was so bright for our family, weddings, grandchildren, and the holidays. It bothers me to know that you won't be around when Steve and I get married or when your grandchildren are born. To look in your eyes and see the joy and love and happiness is another thing that I will miss about you. You and mom would be the best grandparents a child could ever have. I can't imagine having to explain what happened to you to my children. We miss you Dad.

From this letter I wanted to tell you that I love you Dad and I will never forget about you and how you have influenced my life. Your death is the hardest thing to accept in the world and hopefully someday I'll learn to accept it. You will always be alive in my memories and in my heart. We miss you Dad.

Love Jason